I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
