Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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