Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
