if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
