Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
