Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
