I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
