The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Someone shattered a urinal.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
