i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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