In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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