I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
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