I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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