i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
