I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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