He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
