remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
