it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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