I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize