one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I did not marry a roomba.
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