So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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