I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
