Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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