Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I don't deserve a penis
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Randomize
