sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
