Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
