You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
