I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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