Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
