I wish they made helmets for livers.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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