OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Where is the hickey?
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize