everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
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