I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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