me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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