Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize