dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
i think my cat just said my name.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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