I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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