My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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