I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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