we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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