He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
