My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
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How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
