He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Randomize