So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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