Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize