booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
