i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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