Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
