this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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