One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
