never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
