Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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