I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize