First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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