I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
