It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize