Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
