my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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