haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
