Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
