Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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