If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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