I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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