that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
everyone is single if you try hard enough
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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