Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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