i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
