In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
